Anja Plaschg,

i would love to listen to your thoughts and keep all your secrets safe (beyond death). can we hang out sometime? its scary how my brain reacts to very common things. i'm sorry i've become obsessed with you.




(she says "in my butt" tee hee!)

party aftermath

a pissed on matteress, six stolen wallets and a laptop, tag on the wall, pee and puke everywhere, cracked toilet bowl, poop on the shower room floor...

i really, really, REALLY DON'T GET PEOPLE

seahorse porn

how nice. had a lovely text earlier today inviting me to a haus dinner. headed straight to the shops as soon as i arrived back on the train after a long hard day of work and spent £10 on ice cream for everyone. got inside to find the kitchen full of people with huge amounts on their plate, wolfing it down. NOTHING left for me. and no one said a single WORD. not even you, supposedily best friend who doesn't even read my blog.

i'm tired of this. my "free" time is very limited. i haven't even been able to wash my clothes cos someones always using the washing machine. not once, in two months. no one here thinks of me. why am i paying £345 plus an extra £45 every month for this?? and i can't even get my private alone time in the haus to record - and there are so many ideas. maybe i should really think about that advice a GOOD friend said: "move out, find a bedsit or one person flat. you only have to worry and think about yourself". or maybe i should pack it all in and move back to london....

last week i was offered a contract to remain at my job permantly. only one of ten contracts offered in the whole company. a large number of good workers are going to be let go before christmas. i'm one of so few to be asked to stay. that meant a lot to me. FOUR YEARS of unemployment (i doubt anyone believes how much i actually looked for work or how seriously i took my voluentary positions) and now this! but what congratulations do i receive? "oh cool..." my feet are a mess. it takes an hour each way to work. i get home when it's pitch black. if i want to see a gig, i have to leave straight away just to miss the beginning. films? have to see the later showing and go to bed late. play a gig? well that's a day i have to book off. on an average night i get 5 hours of sleep. is it all really worth it?

i had a really sad email from my friend hayley. she was apologising for those messy drug days we had together - like MY addiction was HER fault. i haven't seen her or had much contact since moving to bristol. she asked me to come visit her in london over the weekend and meet her daughter. it's something i really want to do but i'm not able to. i can't afford it. i already coughed up £90 for our rehearsal space for the month and NO ONE has paid back a thing. yet if cat litter is bought, oh that's money that needs to be paid back straight away. yeah, fuck this shit.

i've realised a horrid thing; i can count the real honest unconditional friends on my fingers alone. and two of them are dead. just like on my left hand.

i can't help but really let it get to me when people are only out for themselves
or don't hold any form of consideration for me or others
less so when they're near strangers
but especially when those people are supposed to be good friends
yet they always deny it
or make excuses
or tell me i'm in the wrong
and i'm the one who feels like shit because of it

24th june 1980: born at 5:20am

24th june 2012: long dream about a huge haus with many doors. lost. i think i was trying to get out, going door through door with each hallway looking exactly the same. eventually found "the right one".woke up with a startled "no". the time: 5:20am.

just a bit queer that!

cocks and killings

i've been watching this new telly programme - only on a computer as i don't like watching things on teevee when they're on - called "hit & miss". chloe sevigny is a pre-op trans assassin. three episodes in and you see her penis every time. she kills people for money, saving up to have her penis sliced n tucked to form a fanny, only she soon learns she is a father to a young boy. her ex has died and left her as his legal guardian and blah blah blah.... SHE has a PENIS and KILLS PEOPLE!! *spoiler* she starts hooking up with some local dude who freaks out when she tells him she's trans but he soon enjoys being sucked off by her. *end spoiler* i can't say i'm into chicks with dicks/dudes with cunts, but it's pretty good and you should watch it too!