Anja Plaschg,

i would love to listen to your thoughts and keep all your secrets safe (beyond death). can we hang out sometime? its scary how my brain reacts to very common things. i'm sorry i've become obsessed with you.




(she says "in my butt" tee hee!)

party aftermath

a pissed on matteress, six stolen wallets and a laptop, tag on the wall, pee and puke everywhere, cracked toilet bowl, poop on the shower room floor...

i really, really, REALLY DON'T GET PEOPLE

seahorse porn

how nice. had a lovely text earlier today inviting me to a haus dinner. headed straight to the shops as soon as i arrived back on the train after a long hard day of work and spent £10 on ice cream for everyone. got inside to find the kitchen full of people with huge amounts on their plate, wolfing it down. NOTHING left for me. and no one said a single WORD. not even you, supposedily best friend who doesn't even read my blog.

i'm tired of this. my "free" time is very limited. i haven't even been able to wash my clothes cos someones always using the washing machine. not once, in two months. no one here thinks of me. why am i paying £345 plus an extra £45 every month for this?? and i can't even get my private alone time in the haus to record - and there are so many ideas. maybe i should really think about that advice a GOOD friend said: "move out, find a bedsit or one person flat. you only have to worry and think about yourself". or maybe i should pack it all in and move back to london....

last week i was offered a contract to remain at my job permantly. only one of ten contracts offered in the whole company. a large number of good workers are going to be let go before christmas. i'm one of so few to be asked to stay. that meant a lot to me. FOUR YEARS of unemployment (i doubt anyone believes how much i actually looked for work or how seriously i took my voluentary positions) and now this! but what congratulations do i receive? "oh cool..." my feet are a mess. it takes an hour each way to work. i get home when it's pitch black. if i want to see a gig, i have to leave straight away just to miss the beginning. films? have to see the later showing and go to bed late. play a gig? well that's a day i have to book off. on an average night i get 5 hours of sleep. is it all really worth it?

i had a really sad email from my friend hayley. she was apologising for those messy drug days we had together - like MY addiction was HER fault. i haven't seen her or had much contact since moving to bristol. she asked me to come visit her in london over the weekend and meet her daughter. it's something i really want to do but i'm not able to. i can't afford it. i already coughed up £90 for our rehearsal space for the month and NO ONE has paid back a thing. yet if cat litter is bought, oh that's money that needs to be paid back straight away. yeah, fuck this shit.

i've realised a horrid thing; i can count the real honest unconditional friends on my fingers alone. and two of them are dead. just like on my left hand.

i can't help but really let it get to me when people are only out for themselves
or don't hold any form of consideration for me or others
less so when they're near strangers
but especially when those people are supposed to be good friends
yet they always deny it
or make excuses
or tell me i'm in the wrong
and i'm the one who feels like shit because of it

24th june 1980: born at 5:20am

24th june 2012: long dream about a huge haus with many doors. lost. i think i was trying to get out, going door through door with each hallway looking exactly the same. eventually found "the right one".woke up with a startled "no". the time: 5:20am.

just a bit queer that!

cocks and killings

i've been watching this new telly programme - only on a computer as i don't like watching things on teevee when they're on - called "hit & miss". chloe sevigny is a pre-op trans assassin. three episodes in and you see her penis every time. she kills people for money, saving up to have her penis sliced n tucked to form a fanny, only she soon learns she is a father to a young boy. her ex has died and left her as his legal guardian and blah blah blah.... SHE has a PENIS and KILLS PEOPLE!! *spoiler* she starts hooking up with some local dude who freaks out when she tells him she's trans but he soon enjoys being sucked off by her. *end spoiler* i can't say i'm into chicks with dicks/dudes with cunts, but it's pretty good and you should watch it too!

NOTHING has ever felt RIGHT or OKAY since joey left

and this is FOREVER

no normal sleepy happening. so bored. feel ill. iller than before. i wish i could puke just so i'd have something to do and tire out. i wish people wouldn't text or call my phone when i'm trying to pass out in the black. sleepyroads ruin easy. i can be certain if someone was in my bed with me i wouldn't let them sleep either. screw it. i'm gonna play final fantasy ix at 2:15am

my dad...

no matter how many times i tell him, he's still convinced i live with guys and only play music with guys. every time: "how's the boys in the band?" (after having enough of explaining) "they're okay".

phonecall today:

dad: how's that new boy that moved in? has he moved in yet?

me: yeah she's in. it's all cool.

dad: is he a musician too?

me: yeah, she plays keyboards.

dad: keyboards eh. oh is he in the band?

me: no she has her own band.

dad: whats his name then?

me: her name's yoshino. she's japanese.

dad: japanese keyboard? what a yamaha?

me: no. SHE'S japanese.

dad: japanese music?

me: no. SHE'S japanese!

dad: oh he's japanese is he?

ugh.

another wrong road

cotton to eyes
regret from ears
shadow to mouth

i will never return
i don't wish to ever try again

october 31st = me one year clean
to say sober would be a false claim
perhaps a year without boozing and smoking would be something more to be proud of.
the frusciante challenge: try a year without toxics. see if you feel better.
heh. 'a fall thru the ground' just got skipped "understand me" three times repeat.
SOMETHINGS are just coincidence.

thinking of death all the time
not always morbidly.
i want to go when things feel complete.
no overhang.
halloween would be a nice, fitting date to go.
how many years will it take to be ready?

remove all negativity.

doing things i know will hold nothing
wasting time, wasting money, wasting a day
there's a lot more evil in this world than we care to notice

i can admit to being an ass without taking pride
or taking advantage of others

i have been far too passive

oh emma stone from zombieland

i would like to buy you cookies
and stare at you shyly

i bet you date jerks

adulthood is far weirder than childhood
and we all need more protection now

oct 2009 repost

"it's the strangest thing to sit with someone or look them in the eye and realize that one day they will be untouchable, by death or by distance."

so so fucking so true fucking ugh

SPV entry #1

been crap at getting my SPV log started. many behind....

09/06/11:

nothing happens for a few minutes but i can't close my eyes again. then a white creepy little head - no bigger than a hand - no hair, black eyes and a beaked mouth, peers over my monitor at me and drops back behind it.

position: left
freaky score: 8
wtf score: 6
sleep continued: eventually

15/06/11:

two green orbs collide together to make three red orbs which float up through the ceiling.

position: back
freaky score: 1
wtf score: 1
sleep continued: yes

18/06/11:

dark figure standing at the end of the bed with its back to me. slowly glides down by my side. sudden body turn towards me [its face still unclear]. wheezy voice in my ear "take them back". glides back up to its original position, then fades through the wall. buzzing sound throughout.

position: back
freaky score: 8.5
wtf score: 8.5
sleep continued: no

19/06/11:

big red door on my wall. slowly creaks open, then fades away.

position: left
freaky score: 1
wtf score: 7
sleep continued: tbc

as i no longer seem to guzzle the whiskeys and spill my grumpbrain this blog may as well be about my sleep paralysis experiences. they're becoming far more frequent and i don't know the cause. they can happen going to sleep drunk/sober, early/late, stressed/relaxed. there's no trigger. they used to only happen if i fell asleep on my back. that doesn't matter anymore. i'll write what i remember. some will be long, some short. some from the past, if i can remember them clearly enough. some boring, some fucked. but i'm no mood to start writing now.

the things i would like to do today
are to put on a clean pair of socks (matching or unmatched)
and continue to drink

i don't feel this will be a very talkative day
or a time to listen

its a great thing to be drunk enough to finally cry
for all the supid things i have ever done
and want to be back doing them all again
except for one
maybe two
i'll decide when i'm sober