sooo....

is it too soon to have "sexual thought" about brittany murphy?

holy sun, does being back in london suck the big sun. avoiding the family. haven't made eye contact with anyone for 27 hours now. haven't even seen my sister yet. sat/sleep/fake-sleep in my tiny room until everyone goes to bed and then i can finally raid for foods. they live by freezer food and cans. i couldn't even find a pot to make the beans so i had to microwave them. i forgot how horrid they are in comparision. and these are HEINZ. living off flat-strongbow (how long has this been here??) and vodka. i miss whiskey. i miss a lot of things. was watching "the fox and the hound" this morning (my fav kids movie) and passed out just as copper was being taken away from todd. i didn't even dream. just felt a sad lostness in exhausted sleep. woke up and had to open my windows and put the fan on. this family is crazy with the hausheating!

so, i don't know what to do with these next few days. can't wait til that money comes thru (the 29th?!), then i can actually DO something... like, come home! i'm supposed to see several people while i'm here but i don't have enough for a travel card. guess i'll have to ask daddy for some money - something i'm avoiding doing as he was actually being nice to me when i arrived, tho lots of awkward long silences between us - don't wanna kick things off. plus i'm very very wary of these hourly cravings.

a few days ago i was looking over my calendar (recently found) and discovered my last day of heroin was feb 25th. i remember that day very unfondly. that gutboiling hate and disappointment in myself for missing charlie's set. the guilt and blame people put on me for waiting around for me and nick whilst we were stabbing at our veins with bloated heads totally unaware of time or distance. "you could've just left without me". hmm, something i hear back a lot!

i'm rashoning out the cigrots as i only has few rizlas left and no money for more. suppose thats a good thing. i need to pee...