even when doing the best thing (for me) i feel that harsh guilt like i've really caused something bad to happen and wanting to take it all back for fear it's not the best thing (for her) afterall. but it's too late. every choice i make is too late. or one i cannot reverse. and it always effects the people i give a fuck about most. i always discover the lies, but never from the source.
"i love you"
"i'm sorry"
words i only hear when something is wanted from me, and never just forgiveness.
FUCK OFF
does ANYONE have a grip?? i'm better off alone. i'm better off unfeeling. i would selfishly trade for something else. i so easily fall back into old methods. and all the while, look around at other people and wonder.. what the fuck are you doing??!
Monday, 15 March 2010
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
sooo....
is it too soon to have "sexual thought" about brittany murphy?
holy sun, does being back in london suck the big sun. avoiding the family. haven't made eye contact with anyone for 27 hours now. haven't even seen my sister yet. sat/sleep/fake-sleep in my tiny room until everyone goes to bed and then i can finally raid for foods. they live by freezer food and cans. i couldn't even find a pot to make the beans so i had to microwave them. i forgot how horrid they are in comparision. and these are HEINZ. living off flat-strongbow (how long has this been here??) and vodka. i miss whiskey. i miss a lot of things. was watching "the fox and the hound" this morning (my fav kids movie) and passed out just as copper was being taken away from todd. i didn't even dream. just felt a sad lostness in exhausted sleep. woke up and had to open my windows and put the fan on. this family is crazy with the hausheating!
so, i don't know what to do with these next few days. can't wait til that money comes thru (the 29th?!), then i can actually DO something... like, come home! i'm supposed to see several people while i'm here but i don't have enough for a travel card. guess i'll have to ask daddy for some money - something i'm avoiding doing as he was actually being nice to me when i arrived, tho lots of awkward long silences between us - don't wanna kick things off. plus i'm very very wary of these hourly cravings.
a few days ago i was looking over my calendar (recently found) and discovered my last day of heroin was feb 25th. i remember that day very unfondly. that gutboiling hate and disappointment in myself for missing charlie's set. the guilt and blame people put on me for waiting around for me and nick whilst we were stabbing at our veins with bloated heads totally unaware of time or distance. "you could've just left without me". hmm, something i hear back a lot!
i'm rashoning out the cigrots as i only has few rizlas left and no money for more. suppose thats a good thing. i need to pee...
holy sun, does being back in london suck the big sun. avoiding the family. haven't made eye contact with anyone for 27 hours now. haven't even seen my sister yet. sat/sleep/fake-sleep in my tiny room until everyone goes to bed and then i can finally raid for foods. they live by freezer food and cans. i couldn't even find a pot to make the beans so i had to microwave them. i forgot how horrid they are in comparision. and these are HEINZ. living off flat-strongbow (how long has this been here??) and vodka. i miss whiskey. i miss a lot of things. was watching "the fox and the hound" this morning (my fav kids movie) and passed out just as copper was being taken away from todd. i didn't even dream. just felt a sad lostness in exhausted sleep. woke up and had to open my windows and put the fan on. this family is crazy with the hausheating!
so, i don't know what to do with these next few days. can't wait til that money comes thru (the 29th?!), then i can actually DO something... like, come home! i'm supposed to see several people while i'm here but i don't have enough for a travel card. guess i'll have to ask daddy for some money - something i'm avoiding doing as he was actually being nice to me when i arrived, tho lots of awkward long silences between us - don't wanna kick things off. plus i'm very very wary of these hourly cravings.
a few days ago i was looking over my calendar (recently found) and discovered my last day of heroin was feb 25th. i remember that day very unfondly. that gutboiling hate and disappointment in myself for missing charlie's set. the guilt and blame people put on me for waiting around for me and nick whilst we were stabbing at our veins with bloated heads totally unaware of time or distance. "you could've just left without me". hmm, something i hear back a lot!
i'm rashoning out the cigrots as i only has few rizlas left and no money for more. suppose thats a good thing. i need to pee...
Saturday, 12 December 2009
you ignore. theze things i to rememmber, i'll forget othewize...
1) skin>fat = 0>7, 0>4, 0>11, 1>0, 0>7. or some rough shiit like taht. FAT B!
2) fake fak yr own death co. "for one final payment, you can kill yrself without the parental guilt! keep their hope alive while you rot undiscovered mother!" RICHnesses! mmmmoney skorre! work on yr penmenship. re:courtney backpack sheet. what was she up to kurt?
3) dont cough when rolling fag you fag! tabsybacco everwheer now! assdumb pubeitch!
4) whiskey dont cure the lonely but buy more anyway
5) london 21. dont buy drugs. sell the craves.
6) shit be cold. use blankeys instead of jacob breath
7) most people are asleepying at 4am. dont text them. its rude.
8) drink more whiskey now. okay!
2) fake fak yr own death co. "for one final payment, you can kill yrself without the parental guilt! keep their hope alive while you rot undiscovered mother!" RICHnesses! mmmmoney skorre! work on yr penmenship. re:courtney backpack sheet. what was she up to kurt?
3) dont cough when rolling fag you fag! tabsybacco everwheer now! assdumb pubeitch!
4) whiskey dont cure the lonely but buy more anyway
5) london 21. dont buy drugs. sell the craves.
6) shit be cold. use blankeys instead of jacob breath
7) most people are asleepying at 4am. dont text them. its rude.
8) drink more whiskey now. okay!
Sunday, 6 December 2009
people who hate me this year:
LIGHTNING BOLT ARE RUBBISH. that fucking tank are cooooool. i wanna hang with ross n jayfray more. BEN KEEPS DISAPPEARING! it makes me feel i'm a horrible friend.
i need more whiskey. but Best can fackoff. so can this 9am rain.
i miss the people who are at ATP or wayaways on tour. my tummytums hurt. hope theres no more blood in my poopoo! lets go see....
- barry (although seems undecided)
- owen
LIGHTNING BOLT ARE RUBBISH. that fucking tank are cooooool. i wanna hang with ross n jayfray more. BEN KEEPS DISAPPEARING! it makes me feel i'm a horrible friend.
i need more whiskey. but Best can fackoff. so can this 9am rain.
i miss the people who are at ATP or wayaways on tour. my tummytums hurt. hope theres no more blood in my poopoo! lets go see....
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Thursday, 12 November 2009
tghis be curl up n live in yr own pee weather. (unless yr lucky/unlucked to have company to pee with you)...
I@M NOT DONE.....
kvltlaw public sinconfession//lesson/part one//ant worship/torture.
back before my friends consisted of the crossed-eyed curlyhair, the run over, the smelly "foreigner" with weird necklaces, and the busted balloon eater, i was very much into ant torture. for many hours i would sit leggedspread picking up these little black creatures and squish them, pinch their heads off with my nails, chew them, drown them in water, then crawl the garden to find more. and as much as they would scarper i would grab them by the fistingfuls and punish them as a mighty might. i felt the GOD and the bullypig in me took over. possesion with no cent lost. trembling with power and shivering eyelids. crooked smirks and the EVILVILE. no bleeding queens hailed here anymore. she doesnt care how much i gag on her shoeoils. adn the most important thing to realise is i'm not on yrside. raising eyebrows is a plea for rape. i learnt that too late in life. but at a tender age with tender balls, i realised my wrong doings. and they cursed me! they made swapsys of my deserved sneezypleasures with horrid fireantravagingthrumyveinsandnerves pain (thats right! when you see me rubbing my arms after sneezing its not cos i sprayed snot all over myself. i'm in PAIN, you insensitives!). but i have been taught well by these sacraficed insect gods. they are and always were better than me. the shame i feel overpowers me at each hour. but one evil side conquered. its tough luck when the dice dont roll yr way. so little can be done. choose what you gamble and let it slip away learning damn all. hail ants!
I@M NOT DONE.....
kvltlaw public sinconfession//lesson/part one//ant worship/torture.
back before my friends consisted of the crossed-eyed curlyhair, the run over, the smelly "foreigner" with weird necklaces, and the busted balloon eater, i was very much into ant torture. for many hours i would sit leggedspread picking up these little black creatures and squish them, pinch their heads off with my nails, chew them, drown them in water, then crawl the garden to find more. and as much as they would scarper i would grab them by the fistingfuls and punish them as a mighty might. i felt the GOD and the bullypig in me took over. possesion with no cent lost. trembling with power and shivering eyelids. crooked smirks and the EVILVILE. no bleeding queens hailed here anymore. she doesnt care how much i gag on her shoeoils. adn the most important thing to realise is i'm not on yrside. raising eyebrows is a plea for rape. i learnt that too late in life. but at a tender age with tender balls, i realised my wrong doings. and they cursed me! they made swapsys of my deserved sneezypleasures with horrid fireantravagingthrumyveinsandnerves pain (thats right! when you see me rubbing my arms after sneezing its not cos i sprayed snot all over myself. i'm in PAIN, you insensitives!). but i have been taught well by these sacraficed insect gods. they are and always were better than me. the shame i feel overpowers me at each hour. but one evil side conquered. its tough luck when the dice dont roll yr way. so little can be done. choose what you gamble and let it slip away learning damn all. hail ants!
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