I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!

i've realised my last ever dream will be everyone i care about are gone. then, for those few woken minutes of real/dream confusion, i won't feel any guilt to go as well.

i say this now but the slight of opportunity shall change everything, i'm sure: i don't trust myself to get drunk. not when i become a jerk, not when i make my friends sad, not when i become a fool, not when i'm easily lead into buying heroin from some randoms on my staggered walk home (wow! and i didn't get ripped off!?). i sobered up and decided to flush it away and yeah it sucks i wasted £10 but that isn't the point. i still have that weakness. that lack of trust in myself. i know where to get it if i want it. the walk is hardly a hassle. and to know i've done this well to stay off and away from it all since last feb/march how easy it would be to fuck up. and those impossible to cancel out junkycells in the back of my head ask, as clear as i can choke, "so what if you do?"... would i have walked away if i wasn't drunk? it's been nearly a week since this happened and i still feel shitmiserable about it.

and now i'm trying to smoke using a receipt for paper. i wish people would stop stealing my rizlas.

halloween better rule! i genuinely need a reason to smile right now.

LONDON: lost my friend, lost my family, lost my mind.

BRISTOL: lost my heart, lost my money, lost my promise.

but the things i've gained are far too sacred to talk about/jinx.

the problem, the fuck of my head:

i admit this mostly to myself but also so you don't think i'm too dumb to not realise this:

i always do the worst for myself.

i don't know why. i can lay it all out right in front of me. i can stare at it for days. i can burn all the right choices deep and hard onto my flesh. yet i still choose the other. i'm not scared of being happy or stable or even a vague definition of "successful", and i know i am capable of these things. so why the fuck??

the regrets for things i HAVE done far outweigh the regrets for things i haven't. why is this supposed to be better?

it'll never cease to amaze me how sudden the spiral reverses. my gratitude for real friends never needs to be on-command. but i really need to get over my metathesiophobia.

i miss bambi.

BOILERDOOR DEATH!!

gee, what happened last night? did i do that?! whiskeyblackout anger? sorry hauskvlters, i have no memory (nor handcuts) . eh? :/

it's the strangest thing to sit with someone or look them in the eye and realize that one day they will be untouchable, by death or by distance.