i've realised my last ever dream will be everyone i care about are gone. then, for those few woken minutes of real/dream confusion, i won't feel any guilt to go as well.
i say this now but the slight of opportunity shall change everything, i'm sure: i don't trust myself to get drunk. not when i become a jerk, not when i make my friends sad, not when i become a fool, not when i'm easily lead into buying heroin from some randoms on my staggered walk home (wow! and i didn't get ripped off!?). i sobered up and decided to flush it away and yeah it sucks i wasted £10 but that isn't the point. i still have that weakness. that lack of trust in myself. i know where to get it if i want it. the walk is hardly a hassle. and to know i've done this well to stay off and away from it all since last feb/march how easy it would be to fuck up. and those impossible to cancel out junkycells in the back of my head ask, as clear as i can choke, "so what if you do?"... would i have walked away if i wasn't drunk? it's been nearly a week since this happened and i still feel shitmiserable about it.
and now i'm trying to smoke using a receipt for paper. i wish people would stop stealing my rizlas.
halloween better rule! i genuinely need a reason to smile right now.
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