is it too soon to have "sexual thought" about brittany murphy?
holy sun, does being back in london suck the big sun. avoiding the family. haven't made eye contact with anyone for 27 hours now. haven't even seen my sister yet. sat/sleep/fake-sleep in my tiny room until everyone goes to bed and then i can finally raid for foods. they live by freezer food and cans. i couldn't even find a pot to make the beans so i had to microwave them. i forgot how horrid they are in comparision. and these are HEINZ. living off flat-strongbow (how long has this been here??) and vodka. i miss whiskey. i miss a lot of things. was watching "the fox and the hound" this morning (my fav kids movie) and passed out just as copper was being taken away from todd. i didn't even dream. just felt a sad lostness in exhausted sleep. woke up and had to open my windows and put the fan on. this family is crazy with the hausheating!
so, i don't know what to do with these next few days. can't wait til that money comes thru (the 29th?!), then i can actually DO something... like, come home! i'm supposed to see several people while i'm here but i don't have enough for a travel card. guess i'll have to ask daddy for some money - something i'm avoiding doing as he was actually being nice to me when i arrived, tho lots of awkward long silences between us - don't wanna kick things off. plus i'm very very wary of these hourly cravings.
a few days ago i was looking over my calendar (recently found) and discovered my last day of heroin was feb 25th. i remember that day very unfondly. that gutboiling hate and disappointment in myself for missing charlie's set. the guilt and blame people put on me for waiting around for me and nick whilst we were stabbing at our veins with bloated heads totally unaware of time or distance. "you could've just left without me". hmm, something i hear back a lot!
i'm rashoning out the cigrots as i only has few rizlas left and no money for more. suppose thats a good thing. i need to pee...
Wednesday 23 December 2009
Saturday 12 December 2009
you ignore. theze things i to rememmber, i'll forget othewize...
1) skin>fat = 0>7, 0>4, 0>11, 1>0, 0>7. or some rough shiit like taht. FAT B!
2) fake fak yr own death co. "for one final payment, you can kill yrself without the parental guilt! keep their hope alive while you rot undiscovered mother!" RICHnesses! mmmmoney skorre! work on yr penmenship. re:courtney backpack sheet. what was she up to kurt?
3) dont cough when rolling fag you fag! tabsybacco everwheer now! assdumb pubeitch!
4) whiskey dont cure the lonely but buy more anyway
5) london 21. dont buy drugs. sell the craves.
6) shit be cold. use blankeys instead of jacob breath
7) most people are asleepying at 4am. dont text them. its rude.
8) drink more whiskey now. okay!
2) fake fak yr own death co. "for one final payment, you can kill yrself without the parental guilt! keep their hope alive while you rot undiscovered mother!" RICHnesses! mmmmoney skorre! work on yr penmenship. re:courtney backpack sheet. what was she up to kurt?
3) dont cough when rolling fag you fag! tabsybacco everwheer now! assdumb pubeitch!
4) whiskey dont cure the lonely but buy more anyway
5) london 21. dont buy drugs. sell the craves.
6) shit be cold. use blankeys instead of jacob breath
7) most people are asleepying at 4am. dont text them. its rude.
8) drink more whiskey now. okay!
Sunday 6 December 2009
people who hate me this year:
LIGHTNING BOLT ARE RUBBISH. that fucking tank are cooooool. i wanna hang with ross n jayfray more. BEN KEEPS DISAPPEARING! it makes me feel i'm a horrible friend.
i need more whiskey. but Best can fackoff. so can this 9am rain.
i miss the people who are at ATP or wayaways on tour. my tummytums hurt. hope theres no more blood in my poopoo! lets go see....
- barry (although seems undecided)
- owen
LIGHTNING BOLT ARE RUBBISH. that fucking tank are cooooool. i wanna hang with ross n jayfray more. BEN KEEPS DISAPPEARING! it makes me feel i'm a horrible friend.
i need more whiskey. but Best can fackoff. so can this 9am rain.
i miss the people who are at ATP or wayaways on tour. my tummytums hurt. hope theres no more blood in my poopoo! lets go see....
Sunday 29 November 2009
Thursday 12 November 2009
tghis be curl up n live in yr own pee weather. (unless yr lucky/unlucked to have company to pee with you)...
I@M NOT DONE.....
kvltlaw public sinconfession//lesson/part one//ant worship/torture.
back before my friends consisted of the crossed-eyed curlyhair, the run over, the smelly "foreigner" with weird necklaces, and the busted balloon eater, i was very much into ant torture. for many hours i would sit leggedspread picking up these little black creatures and squish them, pinch their heads off with my nails, chew them, drown them in water, then crawl the garden to find more. and as much as they would scarper i would grab them by the fistingfuls and punish them as a mighty might. i felt the GOD and the bullypig in me took over. possesion with no cent lost. trembling with power and shivering eyelids. crooked smirks and the EVILVILE. no bleeding queens hailed here anymore. she doesnt care how much i gag on her shoeoils. adn the most important thing to realise is i'm not on yrside. raising eyebrows is a plea for rape. i learnt that too late in life. but at a tender age with tender balls, i realised my wrong doings. and they cursed me! they made swapsys of my deserved sneezypleasures with horrid fireantravagingthrumyveinsandnerves pain (thats right! when you see me rubbing my arms after sneezing its not cos i sprayed snot all over myself. i'm in PAIN, you insensitives!). but i have been taught well by these sacraficed insect gods. they are and always were better than me. the shame i feel overpowers me at each hour. but one evil side conquered. its tough luck when the dice dont roll yr way. so little can be done. choose what you gamble and let it slip away learning damn all. hail ants!
I@M NOT DONE.....
kvltlaw public sinconfession//lesson/part one//ant worship/torture.
back before my friends consisted of the crossed-eyed curlyhair, the run over, the smelly "foreigner" with weird necklaces, and the busted balloon eater, i was very much into ant torture. for many hours i would sit leggedspread picking up these little black creatures and squish them, pinch their heads off with my nails, chew them, drown them in water, then crawl the garden to find more. and as much as they would scarper i would grab them by the fistingfuls and punish them as a mighty might. i felt the GOD and the bullypig in me took over. possesion with no cent lost. trembling with power and shivering eyelids. crooked smirks and the EVILVILE. no bleeding queens hailed here anymore. she doesnt care how much i gag on her shoeoils. adn the most important thing to realise is i'm not on yrside. raising eyebrows is a plea for rape. i learnt that too late in life. but at a tender age with tender balls, i realised my wrong doings. and they cursed me! they made swapsys of my deserved sneezypleasures with horrid fireantravagingthrumyveinsandnerves pain (thats right! when you see me rubbing my arms after sneezing its not cos i sprayed snot all over myself. i'm in PAIN, you insensitives!). but i have been taught well by these sacraficed insect gods. they are and always were better than me. the shame i feel overpowers me at each hour. but one evil side conquered. its tough luck when the dice dont roll yr way. so little can be done. choose what you gamble and let it slip away learning damn all. hail ants!
i want to hide away until my skin becomes so pale it NEEDS blood splatters just to not be transparent and when i come back i'll torture you until you learn how to cry out mercy in russian. this isnt directed at anyone who actually exists. so.. sorry if its yr kinda thing.
vacation: a bourgeois term that is really just a polite way of saying..."i am making a futile attempt at trying to kid myself that my way of life isn't soul sucking and completely meaningless in the long run." but man, i want one. not to get away from anyone, just for the difference.
secret obsession: if i see an exit sign all i can think about is following it.
"yr mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer." - william s. burroughs [all junkys are liars]
oh dear, the kittens have been fucking again. better get the old pet abortion kits out the cupboard.
ypou will never know
how jealous you make me feel
and that its a really good thing
LOOK!" i'm typnig faster than i cna really mange
cute super fun animal fact #1: all polar bears are capricorns, because they are all born in late december or early january.
i doubt my father ever made my mother cum. that would explain a lot. question: do guys who can't make women cum feel anger towards women or just other guys?
things no amount of time seem to ever heal:
- betrayal
- drug cravings
- mourning lost friends
- parental rejection
- nonsensical saddness
- missing you
cute super fun animal fact #2: hummingbirds and ufos are the only birds that can fly backwards.
sometimes life gives me the biggest catgrin ever. othertimes it feels like i'm having my face gutted out from the back of my neck. mostly it's a mixture of the two each day. the rope only stretches so far. my time always seems more about preparing for my death journey than my life journey.
old memory revisioned: fight with sickness or surrender with sleep?
i remember waiting with you. i knew what you'd bring me as i sat watching you turn into that black leech swimming within. i was in control of you taking over me. and i made a quick choice - the time caused trouble - to excerise, not excorise. the moment was as i built it, switching off the giveafuck machine and listening to the slither of rolledback eyes sinking to relief. with the wakeup came the mocking of old chants i used to hear, only modernised for our new times. now its over with. but i still fucked up. drugs are fun til you rely on em.
nows probably no good a time to message anyone.damn. sorry. await the speech at yr post-apocalyptic wedding. t'll be grande n bittered, but full of love. tho only for you.
vacation: a bourgeois term that is really just a polite way of saying..."i am making a futile attempt at trying to kid myself that my way of life isn't soul sucking and completely meaningless in the long run." but man, i want one. not to get away from anyone, just for the difference.
secret obsession: if i see an exit sign all i can think about is following it.
"yr mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer." - william s. burroughs [all junkys are liars]
oh dear, the kittens have been fucking again. better get the old pet abortion kits out the cupboard.
ypou will never know
how jealous you make me feel
and that its a really good thing
LOOK!" i'm typnig faster than i cna really mange
cute super fun animal fact #1: all polar bears are capricorns, because they are all born in late december or early january.
i doubt my father ever made my mother cum. that would explain a lot. question: do guys who can't make women cum feel anger towards women or just other guys?
things no amount of time seem to ever heal:
- betrayal
- drug cravings
- mourning lost friends
- parental rejection
- nonsensical saddness
- missing you
cute super fun animal fact #2: hummingbirds and ufos are the only birds that can fly backwards.
sometimes life gives me the biggest catgrin ever. othertimes it feels like i'm having my face gutted out from the back of my neck. mostly it's a mixture of the two each day. the rope only stretches so far. my time always seems more about preparing for my death journey than my life journey.
old memory revisioned: fight with sickness or surrender with sleep?
i remember waiting with you. i knew what you'd bring me as i sat watching you turn into that black leech swimming within. i was in control of you taking over me. and i made a quick choice - the time caused trouble - to excerise, not excorise. the moment was as i built it, switching off the giveafuck machine and listening to the slither of rolledback eyes sinking to relief. with the wakeup came the mocking of old chants i used to hear, only modernised for our new times. now its over with. but i still fucked up. drugs are fun til you rely on em.
nows probably no good a time to message anyone.damn. sorry. await the speech at yr post-apocalyptic wedding. t'll be grande n bittered, but full of love. tho only for you.
Thursday 29 October 2009
I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!
i've realised my last ever dream will be everyone i care about are gone. then, for those few woken minutes of real/dream confusion, i won't feel any guilt to go as well.
i say this now but the slight of opportunity shall change everything, i'm sure: i don't trust myself to get drunk. not when i become a jerk, not when i make my friends sad, not when i become a fool, not when i'm easily lead into buying heroin from some randoms on my staggered walk home (wow! and i didn't get ripped off!?). i sobered up and decided to flush it away and yeah it sucks i wasted £10 but that isn't the point. i still have that weakness. that lack of trust in myself. i know where to get it if i want it. the walk is hardly a hassle. and to know i've done this well to stay off and away from it all since last feb/march how easy it would be to fuck up. and those impossible to cancel out junkycells in the back of my head ask, as clear as i can choke, "so what if you do?"... would i have walked away if i wasn't drunk? it's been nearly a week since this happened and i still feel shitmiserable about it.
and now i'm trying to smoke using a receipt for paper. i wish people would stop stealing my rizlas.
halloween better rule! i genuinely need a reason to smile right now.
i say this now but the slight of opportunity shall change everything, i'm sure: i don't trust myself to get drunk. not when i become a jerk, not when i make my friends sad, not when i become a fool, not when i'm easily lead into buying heroin from some randoms on my staggered walk home (wow! and i didn't get ripped off!?). i sobered up and decided to flush it away and yeah it sucks i wasted £10 but that isn't the point. i still have that weakness. that lack of trust in myself. i know where to get it if i want it. the walk is hardly a hassle. and to know i've done this well to stay off and away from it all since last feb/march how easy it would be to fuck up. and those impossible to cancel out junkycells in the back of my head ask, as clear as i can choke, "so what if you do?"... would i have walked away if i wasn't drunk? it's been nearly a week since this happened and i still feel shitmiserable about it.
and now i'm trying to smoke using a receipt for paper. i wish people would stop stealing my rizlas.
halloween better rule! i genuinely need a reason to smile right now.
Tuesday 13 October 2009
Sunday 4 October 2009
the problem, the fuck of my head:
i admit this mostly to myself but also so you don't think i'm too dumb to not realise this:
i always do the worst for myself.
i don't know why. i can lay it all out right in front of me. i can stare at it for days. i can burn all the right choices deep and hard onto my flesh. yet i still choose the other. i'm not scared of being happy or stable or even a vague definition of "successful", and i know i am capable of these things. so why the fuck??
the regrets for things i HAVE done far outweigh the regrets for things i haven't. why is this supposed to be better?
i always do the worst for myself.
i don't know why. i can lay it all out right in front of me. i can stare at it for days. i can burn all the right choices deep and hard onto my flesh. yet i still choose the other. i'm not scared of being happy or stable or even a vague definition of "successful", and i know i am capable of these things. so why the fuck??
the regrets for things i HAVE done far outweigh the regrets for things i haven't. why is this supposed to be better?
Saturday 3 October 2009
Thursday 1 October 2009
BOILERDOOR DEATH!!
gee, what happened last night? did i do that?! whiskeyblackout anger? sorry hauskvlters, i have no memory (nor handcuts) . eh? :/
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