Monday 29 October 2012
how nice. had a lovely text earlier today inviting me to a haus dinner. headed straight to the shops as soon as i arrived back on the train after a long hard day of work and spent £10 on ice cream for everyone. got inside to find the kitchen full of people with huge amounts on their plate, wolfing it down. NOTHING left for me. and no one said a single WORD. not even you, supposedily best friend who doesn't even read my blog.
i'm tired of this. my "free" time is very limited. i haven't even been able to wash my clothes cos someones always using the washing machine. not once, in two months. no one here thinks of me. why am i paying £345 plus an extra £45 every month for this?? and i can't even get my private alone time in the haus to record - and there are so many ideas. maybe i should really think about that advice a GOOD friend said: "move out, find a bedsit or one person flat. you only have to worry and think about yourself". or maybe i should pack it all in and move back to london....
last week i was offered a contract to remain at my job permantly. only one of ten contracts offered in the whole company. a large number of good workers are going to be let go before christmas. i'm one of so few to be asked to stay. that meant a lot to me. FOUR YEARS of unemployment (i doubt anyone believes how much i actually looked for work or how seriously i took my voluentary positions) and now this! but what congratulations do i receive? "oh cool..." my feet are a mess. it takes an hour each way to work. i get home when it's pitch black. if i want to see a gig, i have to leave straight away just to miss the beginning. films? have to see the later showing and go to bed late. play a gig? well that's a day i have to book off. on an average night i get 5 hours of sleep. is it all really worth it?
i had a really sad email from my friend hayley. she was apologising for those messy drug days we had together - like MY addiction was HER fault. i haven't seen her or had much contact since moving to bristol. she asked me to come visit her in london over the weekend and meet her daughter. it's something i really want to do but i'm not able to. i can't afford it. i already coughed up £90 for our rehearsal space for the month and NO ONE has paid back a thing. yet if cat litter is bought, oh that's money that needs to be paid back straight away. yeah, fuck this shit.
i've realised a horrid thing; i can count the real honest unconditional friends on my fingers alone. and two of them are dead. just like on my left hand.
i'm tired of this. my "free" time is very limited. i haven't even been able to wash my clothes cos someones always using the washing machine. not once, in two months. no one here thinks of me. why am i paying £345 plus an extra £45 every month for this?? and i can't even get my private alone time in the haus to record - and there are so many ideas. maybe i should really think about that advice a GOOD friend said: "move out, find a bedsit or one person flat. you only have to worry and think about yourself". or maybe i should pack it all in and move back to london....
last week i was offered a contract to remain at my job permantly. only one of ten contracts offered in the whole company. a large number of good workers are going to be let go before christmas. i'm one of so few to be asked to stay. that meant a lot to me. FOUR YEARS of unemployment (i doubt anyone believes how much i actually looked for work or how seriously i took my voluentary positions) and now this! but what congratulations do i receive? "oh cool..." my feet are a mess. it takes an hour each way to work. i get home when it's pitch black. if i want to see a gig, i have to leave straight away just to miss the beginning. films? have to see the later showing and go to bed late. play a gig? well that's a day i have to book off. on an average night i get 5 hours of sleep. is it all really worth it?
i had a really sad email from my friend hayley. she was apologising for those messy drug days we had together - like MY addiction was HER fault. i haven't seen her or had much contact since moving to bristol. she asked me to come visit her in london over the weekend and meet her daughter. it's something i really want to do but i'm not able to. i can't afford it. i already coughed up £90 for our rehearsal space for the month and NO ONE has paid back a thing. yet if cat litter is bought, oh that's money that needs to be paid back straight away. yeah, fuck this shit.
i've realised a horrid thing; i can count the real honest unconditional friends on my fingers alone. and two of them are dead. just like on my left hand.
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